A short and somewhat exaggerated synopsis of Peter Parker (Spiderman) and Mary Jane Watson’s romance:
SPIDER-MAN 1:Peter: I’ve always loved Mary Jane, since before I knew what love was.
MJ: Peter Parker, eww. I’m in love with Harry.
Peter: Now that I’m Spiderman, I will impress Mary Jane and she will fall in love with me.
MJ: Spiderman, ooh. I don’t think Harry will mind if I kiss you, Spiderman…upsidedown.
Harry: Spiderman! What?!
MJ: Peter, I think I might still be with Harry, but I’m going to kiss you anyway, because I love you.
Peter: I don’t love you…. because I love lies! Let’s just be friends.
SPIDER-MAN 2:
Peter: I wouldn’t miss it…..unless, of course, I miss it. Sorry, evil stuff happens.
MJ: I hate you, Peter. I’m going to marry John. He comes to my plays.
Peter: Mary Jane! I won’t fight evil anymore. Just go out to dinner with me…alone….even if you are engaged…. We won’t tell anyone!
MJ: *kisses John upsidedown. Gets disappointed. Goes and meets Peter for lunch*
Kiss me, Peter. Don’t mind the engagement ring.
Peter: Watch out for the villain behind you! And look, I’m Spiderman!
MJ: Spiderman, ooh. I don’t think John will mind if I leave him. I love you, Peter.
SPIDER-MAN 3:Peter: I think I’ll marry MJ. But first, let me kiss Gwen, just to be sure.
MJ: I hate you, Peter. I’m going to kiss Harry, just to spite you.
Harry: Break up with Peter or I’ll kill him.
MJ: Okay, no problem.
Peter: I guess MJ hates me. I’ll just use Gwen to make her jealous.
Gwen: Forget you, Peter.
Peter: I guess I’m not ready for marriage. We should just be friends.
By the end of three Spiderman movies, I was ready to throw something at Peter and Mary Jane. In the name of love, they lie, cheat, compromise, use and abuse other people, intentionally arouse jealousy, and, on the whole, make some pretty immature decisions. And we hold our breath and wait for them to get together.
Is this what love is?
Personally, I think Peter finally got it right when he realized he was not ready to consider marriage, and maybe he should focus on building a good friendship. If Mary Jane would echo his sentiments and learn how to truly love her FRIEND, Peter, they might have a beautiful relationship. In fact, if Mary Jane and Peter can learn how to truly love each other as friends, they will probably have a beautiful marriage someday, even if it’s not to each other. (I know, Spider-man fans, it’s SCANDAL!)
Personally, I think Peter finally got it right when he realized he was not ready to consider marriage, and maybe he should focus on building a good friendship. If Mary Jane would echo his sentiments and learn how to truly love her FRIEND, Peter, they might have a beautiful relationship. In fact, if Mary Jane and Peter can learn how to truly love each other as friends, they will probably have a beautiful marriage someday, even if it’s not to each other. (I know, Spider-man fans, it’s SCANDAL!)
This word TRULY
is key. What is “true love”?
Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI says this: “To love someone is to
desire that person’s good and to take
effective steps to secure it. Besides the good of the individual, there is
a good that is linked to living in society: the common good. It is the good of
“all of us”, made up of individuals, families and intermediate groups who
together constitute society…”(Caritas in Veritate, p. 7). But what is “good”?
Comfort, pleasure, happiness, wealth, security? What we define as loving often
stems from what we believe is the greatest good for others.
Augustine teaches us that “The highest good, than which there
is no other, is God.” God is goodness itself, the original GOOD, so if we want
to know what is “good”, the best thing to do is to hold it up next to Him and
measure it by His standards (discovered through prayer, reading Scripture,
Church documents, the lives of the saints) and by how well it orients us (and others) towards and brings us closer to Him, the Highest and Ultimate Good.
Family and friends express their love differently than
couples and lovers (or at least, they should!). The Ancient Greeks understood
this so well that they invented different words to describe each of these different
expressions. We can learn from sibling relationships how to treat the opposite
sex. We can see spousal affection modeled for us by parents, which may help to
lay a foundation for a future romantic relationship. We can learn how to
develop our own identity within a friendship. We can learn from all of these
types of relationships really important qualities like honesty, keeping our
word, service to others, active listening, teamwork, the list goes on…
But there are some things that more properly belong to one relationship rather than another, and there are some boundaries that are necessary to define, especially when romantic attraction is involved. It is beautiful that Peter Parker has been faithfully waiting for Mary Jane since the first grade, but if she is in a relationship with someone else, the loving thing for Peter to do is not to seek himself and what he thinks is good, but to help MJ discover what is going to be best decision for her in every respect, and to encourage her in it, even if it leads her further from him. It may be understandable if MJ has a bit of an infatuation with Spiderman, or even with Peter (I mean, he/they did save her life), but she loves neither Harry nor John if she is off kissing other men in dark alleys and coffee shops. In truth, she fails to love Peter when she demands kisses from him and fails to respect his original request to just be friends. We won’t go through this scene by scene…
But there are some things that more properly belong to one relationship rather than another, and there are some boundaries that are necessary to define, especially when romantic attraction is involved. It is beautiful that Peter Parker has been faithfully waiting for Mary Jane since the first grade, but if she is in a relationship with someone else, the loving thing for Peter to do is not to seek himself and what he thinks is good, but to help MJ discover what is going to be best decision for her in every respect, and to encourage her in it, even if it leads her further from him. It may be understandable if MJ has a bit of an infatuation with Spiderman, or even with Peter (I mean, he/they did save her life), but she loves neither Harry nor John if she is off kissing other men in dark alleys and coffee shops. In truth, she fails to love Peter when she demands kisses from him and fails to respect his original request to just be friends. We won’t go through this scene by scene…
Proper boundaries are good. They help us to grow as healthy
individuals and communities, in an atmosphere of true love (love that leads us
towards what is objectively and ultimately good). When lines are blurred, we
can end up in this tangled web (no pun intended) of confusion, deception, and
immorality.
So how can we set GOOD
boundaries in our friendships, to prepare for and help us in setting good
boundaries in our (future or current) romantic relationships?
Just a few thoughts:
1) Can an “outsider” readily identify who is your friend and who is more than a friend? Do your words and actions reflect that you are just friends? Do you touch each other or flirt excessively? Do you spend too much time alone with a friend of the opposite sex? Do you have a “best friend” relationship with the opposite sex that you wouldn’t quite know what to do with if you starting dating someone?
2) Consider whether a particular course of action promotes virtue (i.e. orients toward the Highest Good) for you and for the other(s) involved. i.e. Cheating on your significant other, trying to make someone else jealous, using others for your own physical or emotional pleasure, dressing seductively = not promoting virtue. “Friendship with benefits” = not a friendship at all!
3) Be aware of the various movements of your heart. Are you involved in an elaborate imaginary relationship with your love interest? Do you seek or build emotional intimacy with your opposite-sex friends with no intent to pursue a romantic relationship/marriage? Do you discuss things with your opposite-sex friends that you don't or won't discuss with your significant other? Setting healthy emotional boundaries is just as important as setting healthy physical boundaries. This is often called emotional chastity or emotional virtue.
4) Respect yourself; protect yourself. You deserve to be treated with the dignity proper to a human person. Don’t sell yourself short for momentary affection or attention. If you are uncomfortable, give credence to those feelings. Your boundaries may be different than the guy next to you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you should set them aside.
1) Can an “outsider” readily identify who is your friend and who is more than a friend? Do your words and actions reflect that you are just friends? Do you touch each other or flirt excessively? Do you spend too much time alone with a friend of the opposite sex? Do you have a “best friend” relationship with the opposite sex that you wouldn’t quite know what to do with if you starting dating someone?
2) Consider whether a particular course of action promotes virtue (i.e. orients toward the Highest Good) for you and for the other(s) involved. i.e. Cheating on your significant other, trying to make someone else jealous, using others for your own physical or emotional pleasure, dressing seductively = not promoting virtue. “Friendship with benefits” = not a friendship at all!
3) Be aware of the various movements of your heart. Are you involved in an elaborate imaginary relationship with your love interest? Do you seek or build emotional intimacy with your opposite-sex friends with no intent to pursue a romantic relationship/marriage? Do you discuss things with your opposite-sex friends that you don't or won't discuss with your significant other? Setting healthy emotional boundaries is just as important as setting healthy physical boundaries. This is often called emotional chastity or emotional virtue.
4) Respect yourself; protect yourself. You deserve to be treated with the dignity proper to a human person. Don’t sell yourself short for momentary affection or attention. If you are uncomfortable, give credence to those feelings. Your boundaries may be different than the guy next to you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you should set them aside.
Here are some other great resources:
The Rules of Opposite-Gender Friendships
I just like the name of this blog. :)
Men, Women and the Mystery of Love
Love and Responsibility
The Rules of Opposite-Gender Friendships
I just like the name of this blog. :)
Men, Women and the Mystery of Love
Love and Responsibility
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