Question: Why Value Marriage?

I’ve sure been hearing a lot about marriage lately. From friends wanting to get married, to court decisions on DOMA and Proposition 8, to various Feast days in the Church celebrating martyrs who gave their life to defend God’s design for marriage.

Last week I heard a homily about how we NEED to have more esteem for marriage. As I listened, I shouted silently, “Why? WHY?! You MUST tell me WHY!!!”

Don’t get me wrong, I agree with the priest. We need to have more esteem for marriage, and marriage as God intended it, between one man and one woman (if you are bothered by that statement, please go back and read my previous blog). We live in an age and culture that values “hooking up”, “friends with benefits”, cohabitation, non-commitment, and sexual experimentation. The institution of marriage is not esteemed, but all too often undermined and disregarded. We want what is easiest, most convenient, and most pleasurable, and a lifelong commitment to love and be faithful to another person, in good times and bad, is not always all of those things.

I agree that we must esteem marriage. But as I live in this age and this culture, in which even the Christians (who profess to believe that marriage is something far greater than a civil union) share in the cynicism and settle for second-best, “why?” is a logical and necessary question.

So, why should we esteem the institution of marriage? Here are just a few thoughts (I'm sure you can think of others - feel free to add)….

1) Marriage is a Sacrament. For those who may not know, a Sacrament is an outward sign instituted by Christ to bring grace. The Catholic Church acknowledges 7 Sacraments (Baptism, Reconciliation, Holy Eucharist, Anointing of the Sick, Confirmation, Matrimony, and Holy Orders). Indeed, marriage has been around long before the time of Christ, but it has been “raised by Christ our Lord to the dignity of a Sacrament” (CCC* 1601). He desired that, by His grace, we come to experience again the union of persons as it was “in the beginning” (see Matt. 19:1-12) AND ALSO realize that that union of persons is not the end which we seek, but a foreshadowing of the union we will have with God in heaven. Earthly marriage is only a “sign” of a greater heavenly reality!

2) Marriage is sacrificial. Yes, indeed, a great marriage requires great sacrifice. “As the Church is subordinate to Christ in everything, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives even as Christ loves the Church and handed Himself over for her” (Eph. 5:24-25). In essence, spouses must love one another more than themselves, because they must be willing to set aside their own desires oftentimes for the good of their spouse. We hail our servicemen and women for the sacrifices they make for our country (and rightly so), and we regard military service very highly. What if we upheld marriage in this way? Married couples ought to be encouraged for their sacrificial love and supported in their "heroism".  Then perhaps they would never forget that their marriage is something worth fighting for.

3) A healthy marriage is good for the children. Children who come from a stable home life have a much more solid foundation to build upon, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, even spiritually. And a healthy family flows from a healthy marriage. So what makes a healthy marriage? Fundamentally, that father and mother live the truth of their human sexuality (See: You have a body!). And second to that, that the love between the spouses is faithful, fruitful, free and total. In such an environment, spouses are more secure in their identity and their love for one another, and can better transmit that love and support to their children. Their children, in turn, may be better equipped to make healthy choices in regards to their bodies and lifestyles. “The well-being of the individual person and of both human and Christian society is closely bound up with the healthy state of conjugal and family life” (CCC 1603). To quote our U.S. Bishops: “Our culture has taken for granted for far too long what human nature, experience, common sense, and God’s wise design all confirm: the difference between a man and a woman matters, and the difference between a mom and a dad matters. While the culture has failed in many ways to be marriage-strengthening, this is no reason to give up. Now is the time to strengthen marriage, not redefine it.”

I may not be married, but it is well for me to esteem marriage, to support married couples, to honor their commitment, and to encourage them in their struggles, because this is their path to holiness – to heaven! – and I want to help them get there. Plus, from healthy marriages come healthier families, and the children of today’s families are the children who will tomorrow be leading our country, our church, our world.

I may be disheartened by negative societal trends, but I will not reject marriage because of the example of those who failed to live it as they promised. Marriage is a beautiful vocation, and ought to be regarded as such. Let us pray, and together rebuild a marriage culture!

In light of recent court decisions, you may wish to also reference this article on the well-being of children of homosexual versus heterosexual parents.

6. You are Called to Communion

Betty Ross and Bruce Banner (the Hulk)

Bruce: You found me!
Betty: You weren't that hard to find.
Bruce: Yes.....I was.

“What man among you having a hundred sheep and losing one of them would not leave the ninety-nine in the desert and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he does find it, he sets it on his shoulders with great joy and, upon his arrival home, he calls together his friends and neighbors and says to them, 'Rejoice with me because I have found lost sheep!'”
- Luke 15: 4 -   

I don’t know about you, but oftentimes I am that lost sheep.  Sometimes I am not paying attention (or, rather I am paying attention to all sorts of distractions and other attachments) and I stumble away on my own path and become lost.

Sometimes, I knowingly choose something which is foolish or sinful, and which ultimately leads me into a thicket from which I need to be rescued by the Hand of Grace.

But sometimes I am a bit more subtle. Sometimes, I attempt to continue on, to stay with the group and go with the flow, and all looks relatively normal on the outside. But on the inside, my heart is not in it. For whatever reason (hurt, fear, anger), I am attempting to protect myself, that most intimate part of myself, and keep my distance.

And you know what, I still end up lost.

I get lost because I become disconnected from both the Shepherd and the other sheep. I don’t feel a part of the whole because I’m only giving a part of myself. And because I’m stuck inside myself, behind whatever interior wall I’ve constructed, I can’t really give myself to others in love and service, at least not fully. This creates discord which often spreads in an unfortunate ripple effect.

The Good News is that Christ is constantly seeking me. He can see me through those walls (just like Betty Ross can see Bruce Banner through his hulky green skin. J) He can see who I really am, and not any façade that I put up to carry on while I bury what I truly feel. And He is willing to go on a reckless pursuit, through thickets and briers and (more importantly) interior walls, to find me, love me, and restore me to the life He intended for me.

What does He intend for me?

1. He calls me to community. I am a part of His flock and He wants me to be united with the others in it. But wait a sec’! Wasn’t it the community (or someone in the community) that caused me to put up this wall in the first place? Wouldn’t I be better off alone? No! It’s true, we are often bothering each other, disagreeing with each other, even hurting each other. But without that – without other human beings that are different from me – I do not have such great opportunities to accept differences, to forgive wrongs, to learn new things, to listen, to develop my gifts and appreciate others’, to learn humility....the list goes on. In community, I realize and am reminded that I am not the center of the universe. It is not easy to be in relationship with others, but we need each other.
2. He calls us to union with Himself. In our broken humanity, we inevitably sow pain and discord in our communities. But thank God we don’t have to be our own shepherd! Jesus Christ is and wants to be our Shepherd, to heal us (individually and collectively) and to give us the strength and courage to forgive and to keep our hearts open to Him and to each other, even in our hurts. And the more we are united to Him, the more our hearts will be transformed…..which often spreads in a most delightful ripple effect.

No human being can ever fully satisfy our longing for union, and no community on this earth will ever be perfect. And yet, isn’t the cry of every human heart for union and communion with another? Indeed. So let us open our hearts to each other and to community, and focus on becoming and remaining united, so that TOGETHER we can help each other in attaining the ultimate goal of union with Christ.


And as a bonus! One of my friends was mentioning this song this past weekend, saying someone had done a dance routine to it on So You Think You Can Dance and it was beautiful. Looking for pictures of the Hulk and Betty Ross, I stumbled across this video, set to the same song. Oh, the irony.
(I know it doesn't have quite the same beauty :/ , but I just had to do it. It was just too perfect! Stay tuned next season for the Hulk's dance routine....)