Question: Why Value Marriage?

I’ve sure been hearing a lot about marriage lately. From friends wanting to get married, to court decisions on DOMA and Proposition 8, to various Feast days in the Church celebrating martyrs who gave their life to defend God’s design for marriage.

Last week I heard a homily about how we NEED to have more esteem for marriage. As I listened, I shouted silently, “Why? WHY?! You MUST tell me WHY!!!”

Don’t get me wrong, I agree with the priest. We need to have more esteem for marriage, and marriage as God intended it, between one man and one woman (if you are bothered by that statement, please go back and read my previous blog). We live in an age and culture that values “hooking up”, “friends with benefits”, cohabitation, non-commitment, and sexual experimentation. The institution of marriage is not esteemed, but all too often undermined and disregarded. We want what is easiest, most convenient, and most pleasurable, and a lifelong commitment to love and be faithful to another person, in good times and bad, is not always all of those things.

I agree that we must esteem marriage. But as I live in this age and this culture, in which even the Christians (who profess to believe that marriage is something far greater than a civil union) share in the cynicism and settle for second-best, “why?” is a logical and necessary question.

So, why should we esteem the institution of marriage? Here are just a few thoughts (I'm sure you can think of others - feel free to add)….

1) Marriage is a Sacrament. For those who may not know, a Sacrament is an outward sign instituted by Christ to bring grace. The Catholic Church acknowledges 7 Sacraments (Baptism, Reconciliation, Holy Eucharist, Anointing of the Sick, Confirmation, Matrimony, and Holy Orders). Indeed, marriage has been around long before the time of Christ, but it has been “raised by Christ our Lord to the dignity of a Sacrament” (CCC* 1601). He desired that, by His grace, we come to experience again the union of persons as it was “in the beginning” (see Matt. 19:1-12) AND ALSO realize that that union of persons is not the end which we seek, but a foreshadowing of the union we will have with God in heaven. Earthly marriage is only a “sign” of a greater heavenly reality!

2) Marriage is sacrificial. Yes, indeed, a great marriage requires great sacrifice. “As the Church is subordinate to Christ in everything, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives even as Christ loves the Church and handed Himself over for her” (Eph. 5:24-25). In essence, spouses must love one another more than themselves, because they must be willing to set aside their own desires oftentimes for the good of their spouse. We hail our servicemen and women for the sacrifices they make for our country (and rightly so), and we regard military service very highly. What if we upheld marriage in this way? Married couples ought to be encouraged for their sacrificial love and supported in their "heroism".  Then perhaps they would never forget that their marriage is something worth fighting for.

3) A healthy marriage is good for the children. Children who come from a stable home life have a much more solid foundation to build upon, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, even spiritually. And a healthy family flows from a healthy marriage. So what makes a healthy marriage? Fundamentally, that father and mother live the truth of their human sexuality (See: You have a body!). And second to that, that the love between the spouses is faithful, fruitful, free and total. In such an environment, spouses are more secure in their identity and their love for one another, and can better transmit that love and support to their children. Their children, in turn, may be better equipped to make healthy choices in regards to their bodies and lifestyles. “The well-being of the individual person and of both human and Christian society is closely bound up with the healthy state of conjugal and family life” (CCC 1603). To quote our U.S. Bishops: “Our culture has taken for granted for far too long what human nature, experience, common sense, and God’s wise design all confirm: the difference between a man and a woman matters, and the difference between a mom and a dad matters. While the culture has failed in many ways to be marriage-strengthening, this is no reason to give up. Now is the time to strengthen marriage, not redefine it.”

I may not be married, but it is well for me to esteem marriage, to support married couples, to honor their commitment, and to encourage them in their struggles, because this is their path to holiness – to heaven! – and I want to help them get there. Plus, from healthy marriages come healthier families, and the children of today’s families are the children who will tomorrow be leading our country, our church, our world.

I may be disheartened by negative societal trends, but I will not reject marriage because of the example of those who failed to live it as they promised. Marriage is a beautiful vocation, and ought to be regarded as such. Let us pray, and together rebuild a marriage culture!

In light of recent court decisions, you may wish to also reference this article on the well-being of children of homosexual versus heterosexual parents.

Question: Can I Marry You?

I know my question is a bit audacious, but after all that talk about how stunning you were, I just had to ask. J

The question, I believe, is necessary in the world in which we live: Can I marry you? Or, can you marry me? Not will you, but can you?

This is the great debate.  

I would here to like address two common arguments I hear from proponents of same-sex marriage, in order to respond with a Catholic-Christian view, which I hope you will see is one of love and respect.

1) Claim: Love is love. Often attached to this statement is the appeal for the preservation of a relationship: Who are you to tell a person whom s/he can love? Two consenting adults should be free to love each other as they wish.

My response: As written, the claim is true: love = love. However, there are different kinds of love. In fact, the Greeks identify 4 types: phileo (love between friends), storge (love between family), eros (romantic love), and agape (self-sacrificial love). Obviously, the love in question here is eros, as we are dealing with a question of possible marriage. So the question becomes: Does romantic love between persons of the opposite sex equal romantic love between persons of the same sex?

Let’s imagine that A is a woman and B is a man.
If A + A = A + B
or B + B = A + B,
then A must equal B,
which would also make true the equations: A + A = C, B + B = C and A + B = C.
Yes?

As discussed in the previous blog, men are not women and women are not men. There are fundamental differences between the sexes, biologically, emotionally, and socially. Therefore, when two females or two males unite, the result is not the same as when two members of the opposite sex unite. We can see this even in friendship, familial and work relationships, but all the more clearly in romantic relationships. Our desire, our aim, in a romantic relationship is to be physically united with the one we love: I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you, I want to marry you!!! As humans, we naturally desire to know and be known, to love and be loved, by another in this way, uniquely, intimately. But like our sexuality, sexual union has a purpose. In fact, it has a two-fold purpose: 1) To be united to the beloved; and 2) To bring forth children.

A+A (or B+B) ≠ C.

Two practicing homosexuals cannot unite to each other in sexual union the way a heterosexual couple can. Though they may have sexual relations with each other, even perhaps experience a kind of emotional union, physically they cannot unite in the same way, and their “union” is unable to bring forth new life. Biologically, it is impossible. Thus, love is not love.

This brings us to the second common argument.

2) Claim: Since we have reached a point evolutionarily in which we do not need to constantly reproduce (e.g. the population is at a high enough level), marriage can be entered into for other reasons.

My response: What are those reasons? Tax breaks? Societal acceptance? Financial security?

I hope we can rule these out as primary motivators for marriage. They are nice benefits and so sometimes become our focus, but generally people on both sides of the fence agree that the most important consideration should be love.

Absolutely! I am not really an advocate of arranged marriages (unless someone will arrange a marriage between me and the man of my dreams, haha!), I don’t care at all for Hollywood publicity marriages or situations in which people marry for money, and I would not walk up to a man and say, “I bet your children would be pretty darn cute. We should get married.” No. First comes love, then comes marriage… 

However, marriage has an end, a goal, in mind, which is both union and procreation. That union which I seek with my spouse MUST be open to bringing forth new life.

Pope Paul VI, in the Encyclical Humanae Vitae, says that there is an “inseparable connection, established by God, which man on his own initiative may not break, between the unitive significance and the procreative significance which are both inherent to the marriage act. The reason is that the fundamental nature of the marriage act, while uniting husband and wife in the closest intimacy, also renders them capable of generating new life—and this as a result of laws written into the actual nature of man and of woman” (HV, ¶ 12). See, I’m not making this stuff up! Somebody else done gone and verified it.
So…..can I marry you? I guess that depends. Will our loving union be open to new life? Hmm. Then maybe we could talk later…. ;)


*None of this I have written to express hatred or contempt towards those who experience homosexual attractions or those living the gay lifestyle. These are not fighting words. In fact, I pray often for each of you, as I do for several of my friends who identify themselves as gay or lesbian. Contrary to the bad example of some Catholics/Christians, owing to their own misconceptions or fears, the Church loves you. I love you, and ask your forgiveness for the times I (or other Christians) have judged you. The words I have written are not a condemnation, but they are a challenge. They are what God (through the Scriptures and the teaching authority of the Church) has revealed as Truth, and I hope you will reflect on these ideas and eventually come to recognize their goodness and sensibility, and seek to live out the true meaning of your human sexuality.*



For further reading, check out this blog: “Gay Marriage: Our Agreements Solve Our Disagreement”
http://mattfradd.com/2013/03/26/gay-marriage-our-agreements-solve-our-disagreement/

Or read: The Good News about Sex and Marriage, by Christopher West