Question: Where Are You Going?

Answer:

 

Huzzah! I have successfully linked up these two blogs.
We're movin' the party over to this blog, but you can find the link on this page as well:
http://goyouaresent.blogspot.com/

Follow it!
Thanks,
See you there!!!

 

15. You are Sent

Okay…. imagine a tiny little baby inside its mother’s womb. For nine months, it grows silently and all that it needs is given to it through its mother. When mom eats, baby eats. Perhaps mom reads to it, or sings to it or tells it of her hopes and dreams. Then there comes a day when there is no longer enough womb for baby to fit in. And so with one robust huff and puff, mom propels the baby out into the world to go and go and do something with its life.

(Okay, maybe it's not quite like that...)

 

How about this? Every year, high school and college graduates get together in their respective stadiums and collect their diplomas. And even though the students appropriately call this graduation, the schools call it “commencement.” The idea is, of course, that this isn’t so much the end of something as it is the beginning of something greater, the catapulting of hundreds or thousands of young people into the “real world” to go put into practice all they have learned and studied.

 

We have all experienced this “sending forth.” As kids, we were told the rules, and then turned loose to go play. We were given directions, and then told to go do our work. Often, our parents saw us off at the bus stop or at our classroom on the first day of school. Perhaps they helped us pack our bags and encouraged us as we prepared to go away to college. At work, we were most likely trained by a person or group, and then experienced the stepping forward into our own role, when they were no longer there for constant support.

Some people would call this “growing up.”

Whatever you call it, this growth in our personal autonomy is important to our growth in maturity as persons. We learn to take ownership of the skills and knowledge we have acquired. We put into practice what we’ve learned; we give what we’ve received. Our formation/education/training is incomplete if we don’t “go forth” with what we have learned. We will forget it; it will erode or die.

Christians are (or should be!) quite familiar with this “sending forth” as well. After all, Jesus said to His disciples, “Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” (Mt. 28:19). This is the GREAT Commission, the call of every Christian to take part in the Church's universal mission to evangelize. Catholics should be even more familiar with this idea, since they hear some sort of commissioning or “sending forth” at the end of every Mass (which incidentally, comes from the Latin word Missa, which means to send):
Go in peace.
Go and announce the Gospel of the Lord.
Go in peace, glorifying the Lord by your life.

What you have just received, go and give witness to! Go and live the mystery you have celebrated! Go and become the words you have heard!

Ultimately, this is the challenge. The world tells us not to rock the boat, not to offend or be politically incorrect. All the while, they advance their agendas and proclaim their dogmas which offend the very nature of humanity. And because it is easier and less overwhelming to do nothing, that is often what we do.

Consider this your “sending forth.” I have spent this year blogging on the nature and meaning of humanity. Whether you have read just one or you have read all of the blog posts, I urge you to continue to explore these topics more deeply, always searching sincerely for the Truth. Share what you learn with others. Do your part to become what you were created to be. Clearly, what is written here is not all there is to say about humanity. And clearly, the crisis of humanity which first inspired this blog is not yet resolved. What is needed is a generation willing to pursue Truth at all costs – Truth that cannot be found in its fullness apart from Jesus Christ – and to bear witness by their words and lives to what it means to be truly human.

Go, you are sent.

The Beginning of Something New

 
Well, ladies and gentleman, brothers and sisters.....the Liturgical year has ended.

(For anyone scratching their heads right now, I am referring to the cycle of the seasons and official yearly celebrations in the Catholic/Christian church). 
So... Happy Advent! Welcome to the beginning of something new!

Not just new sales and new gadgets and new wrapping paper to put on new gifts. No. We are called to become something new through our participation in the life of Christ. That beautiful moment that we remember, when our Lord Jesus Christ took on our human flesh, is made present to us. We can give it a fleeting thought as we hurry past a manger scene in a crowded shopping mall, or we can choose to enter the mystery, to rediscover the origin, the heart of Christmas....and be changed, and become something new.

It's great that God timed this all so perfectly (okay, maybe it was the other way around), because this series of blog posts has been all about rediscovery.... and this blog, like the Liturgical year, is coming to its end. (I will allow for a brief moment of silence so you can mourn.)

 

This past year, we have explored together the origins and heart of our humanity, a little bit of what it means to be truly human in this confused and sometimes callous world.

At the start, I said that one of the main reasons I was writing these blogs is because without a proper understanding of our identity, we lack a sense of mission, of purpose. In other words, when we do not know who we are, we do not know where to go. Instead, we run in circles chasing things that leave us unfulfilled, or run in circles when we need not run at all.....

 

But once we know who we are, what is left for us is to be and to become. At the end of my life, I should have become more myself. My mission in life should spring from, be intertwined with, and confirm my identity. And if there are serious conflicts, I should raise my eyebrows.

 

 
 
Before I say anything more about mission, here is a little "year in review", especially for those who may just be joining the fun now! This is a recap of some of the basic commonalities we all share as members of the human family.....

We were all created by God, made in His image and likeness with an indelible dignity. Your true identity comes from Him, and you are unique in all of creation. You were made as a man or a woman, with great intention and with a beautiful heart, to express God's love as you express yourself through your body and your human sexuality. God loves you unconditionally, even in your imperfection and He calls you to communion with others, to experience that love and to be a gift to others as you grow together in union with Him. You are meant to live out that communion in a unique way through a particular vocation: marriage or celibate life. You are a beggar before God; that is, everything you have is a gift from him. But so as not to become attached to temporal things, you must live with your final end in mind, because you will not live forever. Your life is not meant to be lived for you alone, but for God and others, because you are not your own.

There you have it: The essence of humanity in eight sentences. :)
 
In the process, we also discussed a plethora of exciting and relevant social topics!
Evolution, Freedom, Same-sex unions, Loving yourself, Sin, Marriage, Patience in waiting, Knowing your gifts, Salvation, Suffering, Christian witness, True Love, Voluntary poverty, and Abortion.   
 
As you can clearly see, it was an eventful year! 

Read up. You have all of Advent. Then you'll have plenty to discuss with your estranged relatives when they show up on your doorstep this Christmas inquiring about the meaning of this thing we call life. (Estranged relatives tend to do that.) So don't change the subject or start up an argument. Offer them something new this year: Return to where it all began.

Question: What is the "PRO" choice?

Not too long ago, I went to a Planned Parenthood with a large group from my church, to pray for an end to abortion. As we walked back and forth along the sidewalk praying a rosary, I listened to some street preachers that were also there. They were speaking over a microphone, in the general direction of the Planned Parenthood but obviously at anyone planning to enter, reading passages from Scripture and talking about the dreadful judgment of God that would come upon these women for the terrible sin of abortion. I could no longer pray; I was too distracted. Frustrated, really. I couldn’t help but think that we were working against each other, one group quietly demonstrating peaceful protest and loving intercession, and the other preaching hellfire and brimstone.

I do recognize that there are some who would be, and are, profoundly impacted and converted by strong and alarming messages like the ones that were preached. But I also know that when people in my life have used forceful means to try to convince me to pursue a particular course of action, even when it is a good course of action, I tend not to be moved. When they love me and I am confident that I am safe and respected by them, then strong words are not even necessary, because I trust in their goodness.

Most women who come seeking an abortion do not need shock therapy. Most of them just need to be loved.

Sometimes, the woman has become pregnant after contraceptives failed. Or perhaps there are difficulties in the relationship with the man who got her pregnant: he has left her, she wants nothing to do with him, he has pressured her to get an abortion, etc. Perhaps the child was conceived in rape or incest. In all of these cases, the woman has already suffered from a tremendous lack of authentic love from someone who should have loved her most intimately. She may feel a sense of guilt, shame, self-hatred, even anger. The last thing she needs is to feel that God or others are condemning her.

Sometimes, she is considering abortion because she doesn’t think it is the right time to have a child. She may feel she is unable to support the child financially or provide a good life for it, because she is too young or unemployed or still in school or unmarried, etc. Maybe she has been told there are problems with the child’s health, or delivering the child could put her health at risk. She has enough fear already. She does not need her fears intensified. Perfect love casts out fear.

Don’t get me wrong: It is important to tell the truth, because love and truth cannot be divorced from one another. But what is the fundamental truth?

To the woman considering abortion:

God loves you, and nothing you have done or could do can change the fact that God is madly in love with you. In His love, Jesus Christ died for you, and has already paid the price for all of your sins – yes, even the abortion that you are considering. That doesn’t mean it is okay, just because it is already paid for. His gift of love and mercy are always there for the asking - He is waiting for you with open arms - but you have to accept His gift; You have to accept His love. Abortion offends His love very much, because life itself is a gift He gives in love, and He doesn’t make mistakes. He is God. Even if you have made mistakes or someone else has acted wrongly against you – even if your baby was unplanned or has health problems– God  knows what He is doing, and God knows how to bring good out of this, because He loves you and that’s what love does. If it’s not a mistake, there’s no need to “correct” it. Are you truly unable to care for the child, to provide a good life? Then give the child to me. Or place it up for adoption. Then your child will be provided for, and you will be doing the most courageous and loving thing that you can do.

To the street preachers and sidewalk counselors:
There are a number of physical and psychological side effects that women commonly experience after having an abortion. After reading these, I am even more convinced that abortion is not a "PRO" choice. Street preachers, if you want to share horror stories, true stories of such side effects is a legitimate place to start. But for the love of God, don’t do it just to invoke fear. Look at the woman, hear her, love her, and then share what she needs individually to save her from having to go through the same hell.

Some have accused pro-lifers of focusing too much on the baby and not caring enough about the mother. Sometimes I have been guilty of this myself. Let’s not be like Planned Parenthood in this regard. We are not a business, and the goal should not be to merely add one more baby to the count. The mother is equally as important. As my friend, Luz, says:

“Touch the mother’s soul, and you will save the baby’s life.”

Let us make it clear that we care about these women, and so does the God we profess. When they know they are truly loved, they will be able to truly love in return. And the choice to love authentically is the "PRO" choice.

       ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To any woman who has had an abortion: 

I would now like to say a special word to women who have had an abortion. The Church is aware of the many factors which may have influenced your decision, and she does not doubt that in many cases it was a painful and even shattering decision. The wound in your heart may not yet have healed. Certainly what happened was and remains terribly wrong. But do not give in to discouragement and do not lose hope. Try rather to understand what happened and face it honestly. If you have not already done so, give yourselves over with humility and trust to repentance. The Father of mercies is ready to give you his forgiveness and his peace in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. To the same Father and his mercy you can with sure hope entrust your child. With the friendly and expert help and advice of other people, and as a result of your own painful experience, you can be among the most eloquent defenders of everyone's right to life. Through your commitment to life, whether by accepting the birth of other children or by welcoming and caring for those most in need of someone to be close to them, you will become promoters of a new way of looking at human life.

-Pope John Paul II, Evangelium Vitae, #99-

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Resources:

If you are pregnant and need help, or if you are suffering from the pain of abortion (mothers and fathers), there is support for you in this difficult and painful time:

Aid To Women Center:http://aidtowomencenter.org/

Silent No More Awareness Campaign: http://www.silentnomoreawareness.org/

Rachel's Vineyard Abortion Healing Retreats: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/index.htm

Life Choices: http://www.lcwcaz.org/

1st Way Pregnany Center: http://www.1stway.net/

 

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14. You are Not Your Own

Recently, I have been reading a great book on AIDS. (Because that is what I do in my free time). The author discusses the downfalls of the prevailing approach to AIDS prevention – which is mostly the promotion of condoms, voluntary counseling and testing for other STDs – and then proceeds to show why sexual abstinence and fidelity to one’s partner are still, holistically, the best options for preventing the spread of AIDS. Why? Because they show highest regard for the dignity of man – the inherent beauty of the marital act and the marriage vows, honor for "the other", man’s ability to change behavior, and his or her real capacity to live a life of virtue.

The world would like us to believe that man isn’t much more than an animal, and all that separates us from our four-legged friends is that we invent technology which allows us to do the same things in a way that is “better” or “safer.”

For an illustration of this point, you can read this blog by Matt Walsh. In it, he responds to a letter from a concerned high school student describing a “health teacher” who labels abstinence as outdated and unrealistic. She says that since sex is often commonplace in relationships and not viewed as a serious thing – since everyone is doing it and that’s totally fine – we should at least make sure we have “safe sex.”

(Speeding on the freeway is commonplace too. But that’s fine, right? As long as everyone is wearing a seatbelt?)

“So-called ‘safe sex’, which is touted by the ‘civilization of technology’, is actually, in the view of the overall requirements of the person, radically not safe, indeed it is extremely dangerous. It endangers both the person and the family. And what is this danger? It is the loss of the truth about one’s own self and about the family, together with the risk of a loss of freedom  and consequently a loss of love itself.”
- Pope John Paul II, Letter to Families, n. 13

A loss of love itself….

Maybe, ye "teachers" and "health care" providers, the answer to our problems (not just sexual) does not involve technological band-aids for our human crises. Maybe what we need is humanity.

Our technological advances do not make us more human. The mere pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain and unwanted consequences  do not make us more human. Utilitarianism, especially when it is endorsed as an expression of enlightenment, superiority, or liberation, does not make us more human.

“Man finds himself only in the sincere gift of himself.”
 - John Paul II -

In 1963, Archbishop Fulton published a book entitled “The Priest is Not His Own.” In it, he describes the vocation of a diocesan priest and what he views as the priest’s primary call, which is to be, like Christ, a victim, willingly offering oneself for and on behalf of those he serves. A life lived for others.

In 1979, Mother Teresa, a little nun from Macedonia, won the Nobel Peace Prize for the 31 years (eventually, 49, by the time she died) she spent voluntarily living among “the poorest of the poor”, walking the streets, lifting men out of gutters, personally caring for the sick, diseased, orphaned, and abandoned. A life lived for others.

Most recently, Seth Adam Smith caused quite a stir in the blogging world for his assertion, as a married man, that “Marriage is for Not for Me.” He goes on to say that a true marriage is not about you, but about your spouse – “their wants, their needs, their hopes and their dreams.” Their soul. A life lived for another. (Needless to say, he was criticized by some readers for not caring enough about himself.)

 

"The glory of God is man fully alive."
- St. Irenaeus -

To be fully human is to be alive in authentic love, and authentic love always requires self-sacrifice and generosity.  It requires, as Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI says, to desire another’s good and to “take effective steps to secure it.” It is not words alone, but action. It does not say “What’s the least I can do?” but “What’s the best I can do?” It is not concerned with relational shortcuts and compromises and what is easiest and most comfortable for the lover, but it is willing to place one’s own desires second to the desires and/or needs of the beloved, for their good. It recognizes the dignity and worth of the other and seeks always to uphold, protect, and honor it, in thought, word, and action. In many ways, authentic love seeks to consider the other as more important than oneself. To be alive in this love is truly to be alive in God, in Christ, because truly, Jesus Christ gave us the highest example of generous and self-sacrificial love on the Cross.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit....and that you are not your own?" - 1 Cor. 6:19 -

It is difficult to truly love others if we do not have a proper love and respect for ourselves, as men and women tenderly fashioned by the hand of God. We belong to him, as a creation belongs to its creator, but also as a child belongs to its parent. We are not our own. And here's the mind-blowing part!!! God entrusts Himself to us (in the person of Christ as well as in the Holy Spirit), and gives us the responsibility to care for Him and to take the steps to keep Him alive in us and help Him grow. More often than not, God chooses to come into the world through man, especially through men and women who choose to place this Divine life within them above their own.

To love authentically is not just the call of the priest and the nun. It is for the married man. It is for the single woman. It is for any who call themselves human. Regardless of your occupation, your vocation, or your state in life, you are not your own. Your life is not meant to be lived for you alone, for maximization of personal pleasure and gain. Your human longing to love – etched on every heart – is intended to be lived out in service to God and others, in authentic, sacrificial love.  

 

I will end with this quotable quote:

“It is Jesus in fact that you seek when you dream of happiness, he is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; he is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is he who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is he who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is he who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”
(Blessed John Paul II; World Youth Day Vigil, 2000)

 

Question: Can the Poor Really be Happy?

Recently, I read a very good book.

 

Get it, read it, ponder it.

The book was about living evangelical poverty, regardless of your state in life. By evangelical poverty, we mean the virtue of poverty, as spoken of by our Lord in the Gospels - NOT destitution, NOT squalor, NOT lack of being able to provide for one’s basic human needs. This type of material poverty is an offense against human dignity, and we should work to eliminate it. In fact, this is actually part of the reason why, all throughout the Gospels, Jesus promotes a lifestyle of voluntary poverty as an ideal way of living.

“He instructed them to take nothing for the journey but a walking stick – no food, no sack, no money in their belts. They were, however, to wear sandals, but not a second tunic.”
– Mk. 6: 8-9 -

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and decay destroy, and thieves break in and steal. But store up treasures in heaven….”
– Mt. 6:19 -

Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow Me.” When the young man heard this statement, he went away sad, for he had many possessions. Then Jesus said to His disciples, “Amen, I say to you, it will be hard for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again, I say to you, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for one who is rich to enter the Kingdom of God.”
–Mt. 19: 21-24 -

That’s pretty radical.

Fr. Dubay points out that many of us read these and other words of Jesus and tend to believe that such radicality is reserved only for priests and nuns or foreign missionaries or this saint or that…..but not me. Or we content ourselves with a “poverty of spirit”, believing that it is enough to pursue detachment from our possessions without having to change our comfortable lives. Don’t get me wrong, spiritual poverty is desirable, necessary, but I believe evangelical poverty is more than this.

Jesus, Himself, though He was God, chose to live as a poor man, beginning His life in a cold and dirty stable...

 

 

 

 

 

 

spending the majority of it doing the simple work of a carpenter....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and ending it stripped naked on a Cross. If His words are not enough, the witness of His life shows His regard for a poverty that is not merely spiritual but actual.

Indeed, evangelical poverty may look different for a priest or a nun, or even for two different lay people, but the point Fr. Dubay wishes to make is that we are called to practice it. The Gospel is for everyone! In our lives, the practice of this actual poverty takes the form of an authentic frugality, a willingness to give all of the gifts of oneself (time, talent, treasure) without “counting the cost”, even at times giving from our substance and not merely from our abundance (Mk. 12: 41-44). It is, as Father calls it, a “sparing-sharing” lifestyle, choosing ourselves to “have-not” so that others may “have.” We need the help of God to do this, because it is not easy. But it just might be easier than getting a camel to pass through the eye of a needle.

The most important thing I took away from this book is the SO THAT. I realized that I viewed poverty itself as the end to be achieved, the ideal to be lived. But this is not the case. Evangelical poverty is only a means to the same joint ends I mentioned in last week’s blog: love of God and love of others. Living a life of poverty is meant to free us from the love of money and material possessions and, therefore, free us to be more attentive and responsive to God’s Will and to others’ needs. And believe it or not, it frees us to be more generous in our giving, because it requires and engenders trust that God is going to provide what we need when we need it. I know people who practice such poverty and generosity and it is not uncommon for them to witness "miraculous" events and obvious answers to prayer in their life, because 1) they expect them and 2) they are dependent on God and not on their own resources. And the witness of these people makes others realize that the “Word of God is living and effective” (Heb. 4:12), even attractive. True Gospel poverty, because it leads to an authentic freedom, generates JOY!

 

Here is a snippet of the examination Fr. Dubay includes, to help you prayerfully reflect on how God may be calling you to greater evangelical poverty in your own life:

1)      Am I willing to embrace the self-denial and suffering Gospel poverty entails?

2)      What stands in the way of my giving myself more completely to God? Of my abandoning myself to Him with a radical faith? Of my trusting Him completely?

3)      Where am I too comfortable in the world?

4)      Could I explain what Gospel poverty is and isn’t? Why it is beautiful and good?

5)      Do I rationalize my lack of factual frugality on the basis that I am detached from what I have? What proof do I have of my detachment?

6)      Have I turned poverty into an end rather than a means to be sought for what it makes possible?

7)      Do I live in such a way as to have something to share with the poor?

8)      Does my witness of poverty give credibility to the Gospel?

9)      Does the thought of heaven influence my daily decisions? Does my use of creation speak God to others? (How do I use or abuse creation?)

10)   Does my pilgrim status prompt me to want only necessities or do I hoard superfluous things? (How might my consumer decisions affect others, now and in future generations?)

 

Happy are you, poor! ;)

 

 

13. You are Mortal

 

Death.

One of those unavoidable things that we all try to avoid as much as possible.  We don’t like to talk about it, we get uncomfortable when we hear about it, we certainly don’t want it to happen to us, and we generally regard it as unfortunate or regrettable. 

And well, it is. After all, God never intended for us to die. It was a consequence of sin. (Romans 5:12, Genesis 2:4 - 3:19)

Now, it is a part of our fallen human condition. We can escape taxes, but we can’t escape death.

What we can do is be prepared for it.

I’m not talking about writing a will and getting a burial plot and finding a life insurance plan. These focus on what happens to our earthly possessions and how to make earthly life better for those we love, after we are gone. They are all good things, but they often lack an eternal perspective.

The best way to prepare to leave this world is to recognize that this world is not our home. Too often, we behave like it is.

We spend just to acquire;

 

we save just to hoard;

 

we chase pleasure and ease, and argue that, at the end of the day, we are entitled to our indulgences.

 

 

 We put down roots and make ourselves comfortable.

 Indeed, we spend so much effort trying to make ourselves comfortable. But too much earthen comfort, pleasure, “security”, can sometimes make us forget that we are not at home here. The world presents goods to us as a “be all and end all”, telling us if we will buy this and do that we will be “all set.” And what results is a confused culture that views the means as the end and the end as the means.

To illustrate: My friend, Ken, has put it like this: “What is the SO THAT?” In other words, what is it we're aiming for? What is the goal we're working towards? Everything has a proper order. We go to school SO THAT we can get a better job. We work SO THAT we can make money, and we make money SO THAT we can provide for ourselves and others….Got the idea? We can easily become enamored or preoccupied by the means (ex: vain pursuit of higher education just to add titles or honor to our name; working to the point of neglecting our families; obsessing over or craving to make more money) and misplace or disregard the SO THAT, the proper end, the final purpose for the good we seek. When we do, we get stuck in the perpetual frustration of an obsessive-compulsive lifestyle. And we often expect God and those around us to be the means to help us secure these ephemeral goods.

The ultimate “SO THAT” is eternal life. When Jesus was asked by a scholar what must be done to inherit eternal life, Jesus asked the man what was written in the Jewish law. He said in reply, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your being, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27). Here are the two inseparable ends that Jesus shows us: love of God and love of neighbor. The things, the beauties, the programs and pleasures of this earth are good for us only so far as they are a means to these two ends.

Sometimes it takes facing death to reorient ourselves toward what is most important. Often, a man on his death bed is most concerned about making himself right with God, forgiving others and asking forgiveness, spending time with and expressing affection for loved ones, and letting go of all the “stuff” he held dear on this earth – the “stuff” he now realizes is only stuff, stuff that he can’t take with him when he goes. Not all of us have the good fortune of deathbed conversions and reconciliations. Not all of us will die on a bed surrounded by family and friends. Many of us will die unexpectedly. Not to be morbid, but it’s true.

When we ponder our own mortality, the meaning of our lives, and our final end, we can begin to live in the same way as we would hope to die. We can ask God to help us order our lives according to His Great Commandment, and to let go of the possessions, situations, attitudes and attachments that hinder us from reaching our final goal of union with Him in heaven. Then, our lives will be much more free and beautiful, and no matter how death presents itself to us, we'll be ready. We'll be ready to go home.

"When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased."
- C.S. Lewis -

“The world promises you comfort, but you were not made for comfort; you were made for greatness.”
- Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI -

Question: What Can Spiderman Teach me About True Love?

This past weekend, as some of you may know, I hosted a Spiderman movie marathon. It was great to get together with some good friends, eat food, shoot silly string, put on temporary tattoos and Spidey masks, and enjoy some good villain-crushing action! As for the movies, these are some of my reflections. (POSSIBLE SPOILER!)

A short and somewhat exaggerated synopsis of Peter Parker (Spiderman) and Mary Jane Watson’s romance:

 

SPIDER-MAN 1:
Peter: I’ve always loved Mary Jane, since before I knew what love was.
MJ: Peter Parker, eww. I’m in love with Harry.
Peter: Now that I’m Spiderman, I will impress Mary Jane and she will fall in love with me.
MJ: Spiderman, ooh. I don’t think Harry will mind if I kiss you, Spiderman…upsidedown.
Harry: Spiderman! What?!
MJ: Peter, I think I might still be with Harry, but I’m going to kiss you anyway, because I love you.
Peter: I don’t love you…. because I love lies! Let’s just be friends.

SPIDER-MAN 2:

 

MJ: Peter, let me caress your face. My boyfriend won’t mind. By the way, you should come to my play.
Peter: I wouldn’t miss it…..unless, of course, I miss it. Sorry, evil stuff happens.
MJ: I hate you, Peter. I’m going to marry John. He comes to my plays.
Peter: Mary Jane! I won’t fight evil anymore. Just go out to dinner with me…alone….even if you are engaged…. We won’t tell anyone!
MJ: *kisses John upsidedown. Gets disappointed. Goes and meets Peter for lunch*
Kiss me, Peter. Don’t mind the engagement ring.
Peter: Watch out for the villain behind you! And look, I’m Spiderman!
MJ: Spiderman, ooh. I don’t think John will mind if I leave him. I love you, Peter.

SPIDER-MAN 3:
Peter: I think I’ll marry MJ. But first, let me kiss Gwen, just to be sure.
MJ: I hate you, Peter. I’m going to kiss Harry, just to spite you.
Harry: Break up with Peter or I’ll kill him.
MJ: Okay, no problem.
Peter: I guess MJ hates me. I’ll just use Gwen to make her jealous.
Gwen: Forget you, Peter.
Peter: I guess I’m not ready for marriage. We should just be friends.

 

By the end of three Spiderman movies, I was ready to throw something at Peter and Mary Jane. In the name of love, they lie, cheat, compromise, use and abuse other people, intentionally arouse jealousy, and, on the whole, make some pretty immature decisions. And we hold our breath and wait for them to get together.

Is this what love is?

Personally, I think Peter finally got it right when he realized he was not ready to consider marriage, and maybe he should focus on building a good friendship. If Mary Jane would echo his sentiments and learn how to truly love her FRIEND, Peter, they might have a beautiful relationship. In fact, if Mary Jane and Peter can learn how to truly love each other as friends, they will probably have a beautiful marriage someday, even if it’s not to each other. (I know, Spider-man fans, it’s SCANDAL!)

This word TRULY is key. What is “true love”?

Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI says this: “To love someone is to desire that person’s good and to take effective steps to secure it. Besides the good of the individual, there is a good that is linked to living in society: the common good. It is the good of “all of us”, made up of individuals, families and intermediate groups who together constitute society…”(Caritas in Veritate, p. 7). But what is “good”? Comfort, pleasure, happiness, wealth, security? What we define as loving often stems from what we believe is the greatest good for others.

Augustine teaches us that “The highest good, than which there is no other, is God.” God is goodness itself, the original GOOD, so if we want to know what is “good”, the best thing to do is to hold it up next to Him and measure it by His standards (discovered through prayer, reading Scripture, Church documents, the lives of the saints) and by how well it orients us (and others) towards and brings us closer to Him, the Highest and Ultimate Good.

Family and friends express their love differently than couples and lovers (or at least, they should!). The Ancient Greeks understood this so well that they invented different words to describe each of these different expressions. We can learn from sibling relationships how to treat the opposite sex. We can see spousal affection modeled for us by parents, which may help to lay a foundation for a future romantic relationship. We can learn how to develop our own identity within a friendship. We can learn from all of these types of relationships really important qualities like honesty, keeping our word, service to others, active listening, teamwork, the list goes on…

But there are some things that more properly belong to one relationship rather than another, and there are some boundaries that are necessary to define, especially when romantic attraction is involved. It is beautiful that Peter Parker has been faithfully waiting for Mary Jane since the first grade, but if she is in a relationship with someone else, the loving thing for Peter to do is not to seek himself and what he thinks is good, but to help MJ discover what is going to be best decision for her in every respect, and to encourage her in it, even if it leads her further from him. It may be understandable if MJ has a bit of an infatuation with Spiderman, or even with Peter (I mean, he/they did save her life), but she loves neither Harry nor John if she is off kissing other men in dark alleys and coffee shops. In truth, she fails to love Peter when she demands kisses from him and fails to respect his original request to just be friends. We won’t go through this scene by scene…

Proper boundaries are good. They help us to grow as healthy individuals and communities, in an atmosphere of true love (love that leads us towards what is objectively and ultimately good). When lines are blurred, we can end up in this tangled web (no pun intended) of confusion, deception, and immorality.

So how can we set GOOD boundaries in our friendships, to prepare for and help us in setting good boundaries in our (future or current) romantic relationships?

Just a few thoughts:
1) Can an “outsider” readily identify who is your friend and who is more than a friend? Do your words and actions reflect that you are just friends? Do you touch each other or flirt excessively?  Do you spend too much time alone with a friend of the opposite sex? Do you have a “best friend” relationship with the opposite sex that you wouldn’t quite know what to do with if you starting dating someone?
2) Consider whether a particular course of action promotes virtue (i.e. orients toward the Highest Good) for you and for the other(s) involved.  i.e. Cheating on your significant other, trying to make someone else jealous, using others for your own physical or emotional pleasure, dressing seductively = not promoting virtue. “Friendship with benefits” = not a friendship at all!
3) Be aware of the various movements of your heart. Are you involved in an elaborate imaginary relationship with your love interest? Do you seek or build emotional intimacy with your opposite-sex friends with no intent to pursue a romantic relationship/marriage? Do you discuss things with your opposite-sex friends that you don't or won't discuss with your significant other? Setting healthy emotional boundaries is just as important as setting healthy physical boundaries. This is often called emotional chastity or emotional virtue.
4) Respect yourself; protect yourself. You deserve to be treated with the dignity proper to a human person. Don’t sell yourself short for momentary affection or attention. If you are uncomfortable, give credence to those feelings. Your boundaries may be different than the guy next to you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you should set them aside.

 

Here are some other great resources:
The Rules of Opposite-Gender Friendships
I just like the name of this blog. :)
Men, Women and the Mystery of Love
Love and Responsibility

12. You Have a Heart

The human heart.

The center of man’s affectivity – his emotions, desires, passions – the ability to “feel”, in the broad range of all that involves, from simple happiness and sadness to empathy, deep love, righteous anger, saintly ecstasy. I don’t think any of us disagrees that we do, indeed, have a heart. After all, how many times (in a day maybe!) do we use the word?

Follow your heart…
Let’s have a heart-to-heart talk….
My heart goes out to her….
It’s very close to my heart….
He broke my heart….

Oh, HEART! Oh beautiful, mysterious, awful heart!

Last Saturday, I went to confession (because I’m not perfect), and the priest saw me drive into the parking lot. He came up to my car to say hello, and remarked, “You don’t look too good”. I might have otherwise been offended, but it was a fair observation, as I had been crying quite a bit that morning. After I made my confession, he asked the reason for my tears, and I said, “It’s the same ol’ stuff, Father. I’m just a girl with a heart.”

Indeed, “more tortuous than anything is the human heart, beyond remedy; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9).

Sometimes, I really appreciate my heart. Sometimes – usually when I am deeply moved or overjoyed – I am awed by God’s design of the heart. But there are many times when I wish I could shut off my heart, when I want to ignore or overcome its neediness or desires, when I am angry with its deceit and its obstinate pursuit of the “unreasonable”, and I would like nothing more than to tear it out of my chest and hurl it over a steep cliff.

(Anyone else?)

 

 

I have only to be reminded of any infamous historical figure that may well be described as “heartless” to realize that’s not really what I’m after.

But seriously, do the benefits of having a heart really outweigh the ills?

Imagine! What if I could hurl my heart over a steep cliff and be done with it? I would feel so….SO….. nothing. I couldn’t even properly rejoice at my victory. Nor could I become a contagion to excite my brother to rejoice with me. My message would be empty words and his embrace mere ritual. And who is he anyway but another mortal? I can’t love him, nor can I receive his love. As a matter of fact, I would have just thrown away the light in my eyes.

So it is that my heart enables me to experience more deeply the elation of love. But then, the more deeply I love someone, the more keenly I feel hurt by them. What’s the use?! Is it really better to love and to lose than never to love at all (Alfred Lord Tennyson)?

Emotions, passions and desires are a gift from God. In their essence, love, hatred, joy, sadness, fear, desire and anger are all good. They have a place in God’s plan. Now, I might “feel” like eating four extra helpings of dessert or “desire” to punch my best friend in the face, but I have to remember that “from the beginning it was not so” (Matthew 19:8). The passions of the first man and woman were perfectly ordered toward the good – love of God and love of neighbor. It was sin that disordered everything. It is sin that takes these good things out of their proper place and time and context.

We are living in a fallen state. This is the reason I am so often at war with my heart. This is the reason that I can’t always just “follow my heart”, because not everything I desire and not everything that I think “feels good” is actually good for me, or good for the person next to me. It is necessary for me to temper my emotions with my reason and will, while not denying or suppressing them, but keeping in mind that at the “heart” of everything is a good desire. It just might need to be untangled and reordered towards its true end.

I don’t know about you, but my heart is kind of messy. And oftentimes I act tough so people don’t see how much they mean to me or what they are saying or doing is really affecting me. It’s scary to be vulnerable and open my heart, because I risk being hurt. And unfortunately, sometimes it happens, because the world is not perfect, and sometimes I am the cause of that hurt, because I am not perfect. But perhaps I can learn to see the pain as gift instead of ill, an opportunity to ask how I may love you more perfectly, instead of merely seeking to enjoy the good feelings of love.