Question: Do You Love Yourself?

Yesterday I went to confession and, when I was all finished confessing my sins, the priest said to me, “Are you kind of hard on yourself?”

I responded: “Well, yeah…. But Father, I think people are too easy on me!”

Case in point. J

I have been taking some dance lessons the past few months, and it is the same in dance: if I make a misstep or lose my count, etc., I shut down. I immediately get all floppy-armed and all bummed out, and I give up all hope of recovery. I am disappointed by my imperfections…

And too often I think that because I am imperfect, I am a disappointment.

What I need is not a dance partner who is more affirming. What I need is the ability to affirm myself. I need to be able to recognize and believe that the things I do and the efforts I make (in dance, in relationships, in ministry, in LIFE) are good, valuable, beautiful. More than that, I need to believe that, regardless of the things I do (or fail to do), I am good, valuable and beautiful.

But how?

Well, belief is voluntary. If people insult me, cut down my work, tell me I’m terrible at the very thing I think I’m doing well at, etc., I can weigh the evidence and the credibility of their words and choose whether or not I’m going to believe them. Even if it is true of my work, I can separate my work from who I am. If my lack of experience or knowledge in a field gives me reason to doubt my ability or if others in the past have told me I am good for nothing, my will may be weakened by my lack of confidence, but the choice to believe is still my own. I decide whether I will let these things define me. So I begin there, with my will, with the desire to see myself in truth.

But how do I know what the truth is?

The only sufficient answer to this question is this: the truth is a person, and His name is Jesus Christ. “Jesus said, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life…’ (John 14:6).” Nowhere else and through no one else can I find an adequate answer to the questions of “Who am I?” and “What am I worth?” I cannot find my identity solely in my parents, my brothers, my coworkers, my best friend, or even a spouse. Our buddy, Trent, (in the video at the beginning), has a great message, but it is incomplete. I cannot stake everything on a human "heart that is meant to love me." It is definitely a blessing to have people in my life that encourage me and build me up, but if I evaluate my own worth solely by what they think of me or say to me, I run into trouble, because they are imperfect human beings too, who sometimes say unkind things out of anger or fear or tiredness or frustration. They will all, at some point or in some way, let me down.

Only God is perfect. Only His love is perfect. Through prayer, the Scriptures, and the Sacraments of the Church, I come to know Jesus. And by coming to know Jesus, who is Truth, can I come to know myself in truth.

So I begin with the desire, the will. And then I acknowledge that my will alone is not enough.

Lord, help me to see myself as You see me.
Help me to love myself as You love me.


“You are not the sum of your weaknesses and failures; you are the sum of the Father’s love for you and your real capacity to become the image of His Son.”
– Bl. Pope John Paul II

4. You are Loved!

“God is love.” - 1 Jn. 4:16

What does that mean?

This week I did something I thought was kind of stupid. Of course, I didn’t think so at the time, but that’s how it always goes. And after doing something stupid, it always seems like the only, or at least the best, option available is to reject myself. Right? Okay, maybe I am the only one who does this?

Anyway, one morning I left Mass crying. Then I received a text message from a friend with a picture of a bouquet of flowers and the words, “Flowers for you today.” I needed that.

I knew I could not feel sorry for myself very long, because it is nearly impossible to do so when you work as a nanny for two children under the age of three who want nothing more than to giggle and sing and jump all over you. That day, I was sitting outside with them and they began to pull the petals off of their flower bush and put them in my shirt pockets one-by-one. I needed that.

Two days later, another friend asked me what I’ve been learning since we last spoke. I said, “I’ve been learning some personal things, but I don’t particularly want to share.” She understood. And about ten minutes later, she came over and gave me a hug and said, “Don’t forget that you are worth so much more than you could ever imagine.” I needed that.

That is the love of God. That is His “tender compassion.” Those are Divine kisses.

That is the response of a God who says, “…I will not reject anyone who comes to Me” (John 6:37).

I will not reject you.

Even if you have done something stupid….
Even if you have just made the worst mistake of your life….
Even if you reject yourself, or do not love yourself…..
Even if you are angry, if you struggle to forgive….
Even if you are ashamed of yourself….
Even if you are afraid…
Even if you have spent your whole life chasing the empty joys of the world….
Even if the whole world turns against you….

I will not reject you. Just come to Me.

“A man had two sons, and the younger son said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of your estate that should come to me.’ So the father divided the property between them. After a few days, the younger son collected all his belongings and set off to a distant country where he squandered his inheritance on a life of dissipation. When he had freely spent everything, a severe famine struck that country, and he found himself in dire need….He thought, ‘How many of my father’s hired workers have more than enough food to eat, but here am I, dying from hunger. I shall get up and go to my father and I shall say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I no longer deserve to be called your son; treat me as you would treat one of your hired workers.”’ So he got up and went back to his father. While he was still a long way off, his father caught sight of him, and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him…[His father] ordered his servants, ‘Quickly bring the finest robe and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Take the fattened calf and slaughter it. Then let us celebrate with a feast…”
– Luke 15: 11-23

So often, when I make a mistake, I think that what I deserve is punishment, criticism, rejection. So I give myself what I think I deserve. And I imagine God must do the same. But this is not the heart of God. The heart of God is love and mercy itself…a love and mercy which is reckless and unrelenting, and wants nothing more than to consume me within Itself.  God is so amazing that He desires and works to bring good out of all the things I do badly!  He is constantly pursuing me with his love, waiting for me with his mercy, to uplift me, to restore me, to embrace me and tell me I am worth more than I believe, more than I could ever imagine.


"In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as expiation for our sins." - 1 John 4:10

Question: Can I Marry You?

I know my question is a bit audacious, but after all that talk about how stunning you were, I just had to ask. J

The question, I believe, is necessary in the world in which we live: Can I marry you? Or, can you marry me? Not will you, but can you?

This is the great debate.  

I would here to like address two common arguments I hear from proponents of same-sex marriage, in order to respond with a Catholic-Christian view, which I hope you will see is one of love and respect.

1) Claim: Love is love. Often attached to this statement is the appeal for the preservation of a relationship: Who are you to tell a person whom s/he can love? Two consenting adults should be free to love each other as they wish.

My response: As written, the claim is true: love = love. However, there are different kinds of love. In fact, the Greeks identify 4 types: phileo (love between friends), storge (love between family), eros (romantic love), and agape (self-sacrificial love). Obviously, the love in question here is eros, as we are dealing with a question of possible marriage. So the question becomes: Does romantic love between persons of the opposite sex equal romantic love between persons of the same sex?

Let’s imagine that A is a woman and B is a man.
If A + A = A + B
or B + B = A + B,
then A must equal B,
which would also make true the equations: A + A = C, B + B = C and A + B = C.
Yes?

As discussed in the previous blog, men are not women and women are not men. There are fundamental differences between the sexes, biologically, emotionally, and socially. Therefore, when two females or two males unite, the result is not the same as when two members of the opposite sex unite. We can see this even in friendship, familial and work relationships, but all the more clearly in romantic relationships. Our desire, our aim, in a romantic relationship is to be physically united with the one we love: I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you, I want to marry you!!! As humans, we naturally desire to know and be known, to love and be loved, by another in this way, uniquely, intimately. But like our sexuality, sexual union has a purpose. In fact, it has a two-fold purpose: 1) To be united to the beloved; and 2) To bring forth children.

A+A (or B+B) ≠ C.

Two practicing homosexuals cannot unite to each other in sexual union the way a heterosexual couple can. Though they may have sexual relations with each other, even perhaps experience a kind of emotional union, physically they cannot unite in the same way, and their “union” is unable to bring forth new life. Biologically, it is impossible. Thus, love is not love.

This brings us to the second common argument.

2) Claim: Since we have reached a point evolutionarily in which we do not need to constantly reproduce (e.g. the population is at a high enough level), marriage can be entered into for other reasons.

My response: What are those reasons? Tax breaks? Societal acceptance? Financial security?

I hope we can rule these out as primary motivators for marriage. They are nice benefits and so sometimes become our focus, but generally people on both sides of the fence agree that the most important consideration should be love.

Absolutely! I am not really an advocate of arranged marriages (unless someone will arrange a marriage between me and the man of my dreams, haha!), I don’t care at all for Hollywood publicity marriages or situations in which people marry for money, and I would not walk up to a man and say, “I bet your children would be pretty darn cute. We should get married.” No. First comes love, then comes marriage… 

However, marriage has an end, a goal, in mind, which is both union and procreation. That union which I seek with my spouse MUST be open to bringing forth new life.

Pope Paul VI, in the Encyclical Humanae Vitae, says that there is an “inseparable connection, established by God, which man on his own initiative may not break, between the unitive significance and the procreative significance which are both inherent to the marriage act. The reason is that the fundamental nature of the marriage act, while uniting husband and wife in the closest intimacy, also renders them capable of generating new life—and this as a result of laws written into the actual nature of man and of woman” (HV, ¶ 12). See, I’m not making this stuff up! Somebody else done gone and verified it.
So…..can I marry you? I guess that depends. Will our loving union be open to new life? Hmm. Then maybe we could talk later…. ;)


*None of this I have written to express hatred or contempt towards those who experience homosexual attractions or those living the gay lifestyle. These are not fighting words. In fact, I pray often for each of you, as I do for several of my friends who identify themselves as gay or lesbian. Contrary to the bad example of some Catholics/Christians, owing to their own misconceptions or fears, the Church loves you. I love you, and ask your forgiveness for the times I (or other Christians) have judged you. The words I have written are not a condemnation, but they are a challenge. They are what God (through the Scriptures and the teaching authority of the Church) has revealed as Truth, and I hope you will reflect on these ideas and eventually come to recognize their goodness and sensibility, and seek to live out the true meaning of your human sexuality.*



For further reading, check out this blog: “Gay Marriage: Our Agreements Solve Our Disagreement”
http://mattfradd.com/2013/03/26/gay-marriage-our-agreements-solve-our-disagreement/

Or read: The Good News about Sex and Marriage, by Christopher West