Question: Do You Love Yourself?

Yesterday I went to confession and, when I was all finished confessing my sins, the priest said to me, “Are you kind of hard on yourself?”

I responded: “Well, yeah…. But Father, I think people are too easy on me!”

Case in point. J

I have been taking some dance lessons the past few months, and it is the same in dance: if I make a misstep or lose my count, etc., I shut down. I immediately get all floppy-armed and all bummed out, and I give up all hope of recovery. I am disappointed by my imperfections…

And too often I think that because I am imperfect, I am a disappointment.

What I need is not a dance partner who is more affirming. What I need is the ability to affirm myself. I need to be able to recognize and believe that the things I do and the efforts I make (in dance, in relationships, in ministry, in LIFE) are good, valuable, beautiful. More than that, I need to believe that, regardless of the things I do (or fail to do), I am good, valuable and beautiful.

But how?

Well, belief is voluntary. If people insult me, cut down my work, tell me I’m terrible at the very thing I think I’m doing well at, etc., I can weigh the evidence and the credibility of their words and choose whether or not I’m going to believe them. Even if it is true of my work, I can separate my work from who I am. If my lack of experience or knowledge in a field gives me reason to doubt my ability or if others in the past have told me I am good for nothing, my will may be weakened by my lack of confidence, but the choice to believe is still my own. I decide whether I will let these things define me. So I begin there, with my will, with the desire to see myself in truth.

But how do I know what the truth is?

The only sufficient answer to this question is this: the truth is a person, and His name is Jesus Christ. “Jesus said, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life…’ (John 14:6).” Nowhere else and through no one else can I find an adequate answer to the questions of “Who am I?” and “What am I worth?” I cannot find my identity solely in my parents, my brothers, my coworkers, my best friend, or even a spouse. Our buddy, Trent, (in the video at the beginning), has a great message, but it is incomplete. I cannot stake everything on a human "heart that is meant to love me." It is definitely a blessing to have people in my life that encourage me and build me up, but if I evaluate my own worth solely by what they think of me or say to me, I run into trouble, because they are imperfect human beings too, who sometimes say unkind things out of anger or fear or tiredness or frustration. They will all, at some point or in some way, let me down.

Only God is perfect. Only His love is perfect. Through prayer, the Scriptures, and the Sacraments of the Church, I come to know Jesus. And by coming to know Jesus, who is Truth, can I come to know myself in truth.

So I begin with the desire, the will. And then I acknowledge that my will alone is not enough.

Lord, help me to see myself as You see me.
Help me to love myself as You love me.


“You are not the sum of your weaknesses and failures; you are the sum of the Father’s love for you and your real capacity to become the image of His Son.”
– Bl. Pope John Paul II

4. You are Loved!

“God is love.” - 1 Jn. 4:16

What does that mean?

This week I did something I thought was kind of stupid. Of course, I didn’t think so at the time, but that’s how it always goes. And after doing something stupid, it always seems like the only, or at least the best, option available is to reject myself. Right? Okay, maybe I am the only one who does this?

Anyway, one morning I left Mass crying. Then I received a text message from a friend with a picture of a bouquet of flowers and the words, “Flowers for you today.” I needed that.

I knew I could not feel sorry for myself very long, because it is nearly impossible to do so when you work as a nanny for two children under the age of three who want nothing more than to giggle and sing and jump all over you. That day, I was sitting outside with them and they began to pull the petals off of their flower bush and put them in my shirt pockets one-by-one. I needed that.

Two days later, another friend asked me what I’ve been learning since we last spoke. I said, “I’ve been learning some personal things, but I don’t particularly want to share.” She understood. And about ten minutes later, she came over and gave me a hug and said, “Don’t forget that you are worth so much more than you could ever imagine.” I needed that.

That is the love of God. That is His “tender compassion.” Those are Divine kisses.

That is the response of a God who says, “…I will not reject anyone who comes to Me” (John 6:37).

I will not reject you.

Even if you have done something stupid….
Even if you have just made the worst mistake of your life….
Even if you reject yourself, or do not love yourself…..
Even if you are angry, if you struggle to forgive….
Even if you are ashamed of yourself….
Even if you are afraid…
Even if you have spent your whole life chasing the empty joys of the world….
Even if the whole world turns against you….

I will not reject you. Just come to Me.

“A man had two sons, and the younger son said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of your estate that should come to me.’ So the father divided the property between them. After a few days, the younger son collected all his belongings and set off to a distant country where he squandered his inheritance on a life of dissipation. When he had freely spent everything, a severe famine struck that country, and he found himself in dire need….He thought, ‘How many of my father’s hired workers have more than enough food to eat, but here am I, dying from hunger. I shall get up and go to my father and I shall say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I no longer deserve to be called your son; treat me as you would treat one of your hired workers.”’ So he got up and went back to his father. While he was still a long way off, his father caught sight of him, and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him…[His father] ordered his servants, ‘Quickly bring the finest robe and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Take the fattened calf and slaughter it. Then let us celebrate with a feast…”
– Luke 15: 11-23

So often, when I make a mistake, I think that what I deserve is punishment, criticism, rejection. So I give myself what I think I deserve. And I imagine God must do the same. But this is not the heart of God. The heart of God is love and mercy itself…a love and mercy which is reckless and unrelenting, and wants nothing more than to consume me within Itself.  God is so amazing that He desires and works to bring good out of all the things I do badly!  He is constantly pursuing me with his love, waiting for me with his mercy, to uplift me, to restore me, to embrace me and tell me I am worth more than I believe, more than I could ever imagine.


"In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as expiation for our sins." - 1 John 4:10

Question: Can I Marry You?

I know my question is a bit audacious, but after all that talk about how stunning you were, I just had to ask. J

The question, I believe, is necessary in the world in which we live: Can I marry you? Or, can you marry me? Not will you, but can you?

This is the great debate.  

I would here to like address two common arguments I hear from proponents of same-sex marriage, in order to respond with a Catholic-Christian view, which I hope you will see is one of love and respect.

1) Claim: Love is love. Often attached to this statement is the appeal for the preservation of a relationship: Who are you to tell a person whom s/he can love? Two consenting adults should be free to love each other as they wish.

My response: As written, the claim is true: love = love. However, there are different kinds of love. In fact, the Greeks identify 4 types: phileo (love between friends), storge (love between family), eros (romantic love), and agape (self-sacrificial love). Obviously, the love in question here is eros, as we are dealing with a question of possible marriage. So the question becomes: Does romantic love between persons of the opposite sex equal romantic love between persons of the same sex?

Let’s imagine that A is a woman and B is a man.
If A + A = A + B
or B + B = A + B,
then A must equal B,
which would also make true the equations: A + A = C, B + B = C and A + B = C.
Yes?

As discussed in the previous blog, men are not women and women are not men. There are fundamental differences between the sexes, biologically, emotionally, and socially. Therefore, when two females or two males unite, the result is not the same as when two members of the opposite sex unite. We can see this even in friendship, familial and work relationships, but all the more clearly in romantic relationships. Our desire, our aim, in a romantic relationship is to be physically united with the one we love: I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you, I want to marry you!!! As humans, we naturally desire to know and be known, to love and be loved, by another in this way, uniquely, intimately. But like our sexuality, sexual union has a purpose. In fact, it has a two-fold purpose: 1) To be united to the beloved; and 2) To bring forth children.

A+A (or B+B) ≠ C.

Two practicing homosexuals cannot unite to each other in sexual union the way a heterosexual couple can. Though they may have sexual relations with each other, even perhaps experience a kind of emotional union, physically they cannot unite in the same way, and their “union” is unable to bring forth new life. Biologically, it is impossible. Thus, love is not love.

This brings us to the second common argument.

2) Claim: Since we have reached a point evolutionarily in which we do not need to constantly reproduce (e.g. the population is at a high enough level), marriage can be entered into for other reasons.

My response: What are those reasons? Tax breaks? Societal acceptance? Financial security?

I hope we can rule these out as primary motivators for marriage. They are nice benefits and so sometimes become our focus, but generally people on both sides of the fence agree that the most important consideration should be love.

Absolutely! I am not really an advocate of arranged marriages (unless someone will arrange a marriage between me and the man of my dreams, haha!), I don’t care at all for Hollywood publicity marriages or situations in which people marry for money, and I would not walk up to a man and say, “I bet your children would be pretty darn cute. We should get married.” No. First comes love, then comes marriage… 

However, marriage has an end, a goal, in mind, which is both union and procreation. That union which I seek with my spouse MUST be open to bringing forth new life.

Pope Paul VI, in the Encyclical Humanae Vitae, says that there is an “inseparable connection, established by God, which man on his own initiative may not break, between the unitive significance and the procreative significance which are both inherent to the marriage act. The reason is that the fundamental nature of the marriage act, while uniting husband and wife in the closest intimacy, also renders them capable of generating new life—and this as a result of laws written into the actual nature of man and of woman” (HV, ¶ 12). See, I’m not making this stuff up! Somebody else done gone and verified it.
So…..can I marry you? I guess that depends. Will our loving union be open to new life? Hmm. Then maybe we could talk later…. ;)


*None of this I have written to express hatred or contempt towards those who experience homosexual attractions or those living the gay lifestyle. These are not fighting words. In fact, I pray often for each of you, as I do for several of my friends who identify themselves as gay or lesbian. Contrary to the bad example of some Catholics/Christians, owing to their own misconceptions or fears, the Church loves you. I love you, and ask your forgiveness for the times I (or other Christians) have judged you. The words I have written are not a condemnation, but they are a challenge. They are what God (through the Scriptures and the teaching authority of the Church) has revealed as Truth, and I hope you will reflect on these ideas and eventually come to recognize their goodness and sensibility, and seek to live out the true meaning of your human sexuality.*



For further reading, check out this blog: “Gay Marriage: Our Agreements Solve Our Disagreement”
http://mattfradd.com/2013/03/26/gay-marriage-our-agreements-solve-our-disagreement/

Or read: The Good News about Sex and Marriage, by Christopher West

3. You have a body!

News Flash! In case you hadn’t yet discovered it: You have a body!

I know, I know, you could be taller and skinner and you’d rather have a different color hair, fewer freckles and less fat in a few key areas. But how about that face, hmm? You are pretty stunning…. ;)

Actually, what I really want to say is this:
“Indeed, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are all the more necessary, and those parts of the body that we consider less honorable we surround with greater honor, and our less presentable parts are treated with greater propriety, whereas our more presentable parts do not need this.”
- 1 Corinthians 12: 22-24

We all know what parts what those “less presentable” parts are. Those are the parts that, when exposed, earn movies a higher rating; the parts that we would instinctively cover if someone were to open our shower curtain in the locker room; the biological parts that are defined, and define us, as male or female.

What I want to do right now is honor those parts.

Biologically, you were born male or female. (For those who will contest, I understand that there is 1% or less of the population whose sex is not easily distinguishable at birth for various reasons. However, this is a medical anomaly, so I address what is the common order). And as we have said in previous blogs, your existence is not merely the result of blind chance – of how the stars aligned or how evolution progressed or which sperm got to the egg fastest. Even if your mother did not “plan” to get pregnant with you, YOU are not an accident. No, YOU were created intentionally by a God who loves you. And God doesn’t make mistakes…..or He wouldn’t be God.

This means that your biological sex is not an accident. The parts that distinguish you as a male or a female were not thrown on as an afterthought, just because they look nice there. THEY HAVE MEANING AND PURPOSE. A musician doesn’t put a recurring motif in a piece nor an artist paint the same symbol into several different pieces without noticing. They do it because it means something to them, and to understand that one element helps to understand clearly the greater message they intended to convey. What does the piece become when such an important feature is misunderstood or disregarded as insignificant?

Our human sexuality has meaning and purpose. What is it? Is it merely for the propagation of our species? True, the male and female bodies are complementary, and this makes physical/conjugal union possible. But we are obviously not meant to be united with everyone of the opposite sex in this way. This physical complementary is also mirrored in our social/emotional complementary. In our differences, we need each other, and both sexes bring something unique to the world. Our souls, our very beings, are expressed through our bodies.  Our human sexuality is not an accident, but is an expression of who we are and who we are meant to be at the very core of our being.  It is an image of God's love for us as His people - as He is constantly pursuing us and giving of Himself to us (masculine) and we, as creatures, must receive all as a gift from Him (feminine). It is also a reminder from God of His desire for us to share in His love and life by giving love and life to others. 

Let's face it, men and women are different….and that’s okay. In fact, it’s beautiful.

The world needs women who nurture others, who are not afraid to take others into the “womb” of their hearts; women who are noble, honest, and faithful to the ones they love; women who take pride in their femininity not by immodesty or seductiveness but by seeking be lady-like in their appearance and action, committed to doing their part in making sure the men in their life become virtuous; women who are not demanding and controlling but are willing to humbly allow themselves to be led and to be served by men; women who respect themselves and do not allow themselves to be used; in short, women whose beauty comes from their love of God and practice of virtue.

 

The world also needs men who protect the women in their lives and honor their dignity; men who are willing to sacrifice their own desires for the ones they love; men who are courageous, committed, and willing to take the lead; tender-hearted men who are able to listen, considerate of others, and willing to forgive; men who are confident but not reckless or overconfident; men who are strong, but most of all with moral virtue.

Yes, some men may have more typically "feminine" qualities than others, and vice versa. We are all different. But men are not made to be women, and women are not made to be men. And that’s the way God intended it. In the words of the 2-year-old I babysit: “He did it on purpose.”

 “God created mankind in His image;
in the image of God He created them
male and female He created them….
He looked at everything He had made, and found it very good.”
-Genesis 1: 27, 31

Go look in the mirror and tell yourself that: YOU are very good.

In fact, you’re absolutely stunning.

 

 

 

(If you're interested in some further reading, I recommend: http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/se0191.htm
and/or http://www.theologyofthebody.net/)

Question: Are You Really Free?

What image comes to mind when you hear the word "freedom"?

 

Is it this one?

 

 Maybe this one?

       Or even something like this?

 

 

 

The world often defines freedom in the negative: freedom from oppression, freedom from injustice, freedom from pain or discomfort, freedom from annoyance or inconvenience. These freedoms are important. We rightly honor the valor of those men and women who give of themselves (even to the point of giving their lives) to protect us from all kinds of injustice.

Yet, there is another kind of freedom, a positive freedom. It is the freedom for good. Without freedom of will, any choice for good would be meaningless, because I would powerless to choose otherwise. But with the power to choose comes a personal responsibility for the choices I make.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states, “The more one does what is good, the freer one becomes. There is no true freedom except in the service of what is good and just. The choice to disobey and do evil is an abuse of freedom and leads to ‘the slavery of sin’” (paragraph 1744).

If the government establishes a law which outlaws something dangerous or immoral, does that law then make me less free? No, because it does not limit my ability to do what is good. Rather, it seeks to restrict my ability to do what is bad in order to direct me to what is good.

Along the same vein, there are natural laws which govern the world. When I seek to recognize these laws and work with them, I am free to grow and develop as a person. Take, for instance, the law of gravity. I know that on this planet, the force of gravity draws me downward. I could choose to disregard that “restrictive” law as I spread my superhero cape and jump off a building, but this is not freedom; it is stupidity. And I will not end up wiser; I will end up dead. It is better for me to humbly admit that there is a force greater than my cape.

Freedom from does not trump freedom for. If I seek to be liberated from something which will not at the same time increase my capacity to choose what is truly good, or if I seek to be liberated from something which at the same time separates me from what is truly good, then my seeking is in vain. My decision will not make me more free, but will at best give only an illusion of freedom while I slowly become more enslaved by my own desires.

The world often cries out for less restriction. Don’t tell me what movies I should watch, what words I should say, what kinds of articles I can publish, what kinds of people I should love, what I should or shouldn’t do with my body…..I just want to do whatever I want whenever I want with whomever I want. This is the cry of an immature child who does not understand that some restrictions are put in place as protection against harm. Sometimes what is bad for me is and/or should be restricted to direct me to what is good. I have free will, yes, but I can misuse it, just as can an unruly or ignorant child. But the more I learn what is good and true, and seek to freely choose it, the freer I become.

Consider this:
"Love consists of a commitment which limits one's freedom—it is a giving of the self, and to give oneself means just that: to limit one's freedom on behalf of another. Limitation of one's freedom might seem to be something negative and unpleasant, but love makes it a positive, joyful and creative thing . . . The will aspires to the good, and freedom belongs to the will, hence freedom exists for the sake of love, because it is by the way of love that human beings share most fully in the good. This is what gives freedom its real entitlement to one of the highest places in the moral order, in the hierarchy of man's wholesome longings and desires. But man longs for love more than for freedom—freedom is the means and love is the end. He longs however for true love, for only if it is based on truth is a genuine commitment of freedom possible. The will is free, but at the same time it 'is obliged to' seek the good which is congenial to it . . . " - Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility

 

So what is your image of freedom?

Could I suggest this one.....

 

 

 

2. You are Made in the Image of God

God said: Let us make human beings in our image, after our likeness.
Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air,
the tame animals, all the wild animals, and all the creatures that crawl on the earth. God created mankind in his image; in the image of God he created them.

-Genesis 1:27-

The previous post related to the existence of the human soul as a unique spiritual reality. We said that man’s soul can only exist because of the direct action of a spiritual Creator.

And, in fact, this SOUL makes us like God. Make no mistake, this doesn’t mean we ARE gods. But, as we have said before, neither are we merely animals. We are human: made in the “image and likeness” of God.

So what does this mean? Here are a few things.....

1. Man Can Reason and acquire knowledge
2. Man Has the Freedom to Choose
3. Man Has Sovereignty/Dominion/Power
4. Man Can Make Moral Choices
5. Man Can Love

We can see some or all of these faculties/abilities present in certain animals, although to a lesser degree. They can be taught to perform functions; they can sense when things are wrong and seek to help; they can “obey” and “disobey”commands; they can teach their young the skills they need to survive; and they form bonds, nurture their children and even express compassion, etc. And while many of their actions may be similar to those of humans, most often they can be explained by animal instincts, chemical reactions, and behavior training/conditioning.

There is a depth to be found in the human faculties that an animal cannot attain. Beyond instinct, biochemistry and conditioning, man has the capacity to consciously make sense of things, establish facts, change opinions and beliefs, change occupations, plan far into the future, weigh the morality of a decision or its possible/actual affect on others, consider the internal feelings of another, set up a government, or even envy another, hold a grudge, forgive, and deeply love. The list goes on.

Man was created to reflect God. We should be able to discern something about the Creator by looking at the creation, just as we can with the author of any of work of art or literature. Even in animals we can see something of the heart of God. But, indeed, if we look historically at those human beings that we consider truly praiseworthy, holy, and/or virtuous (perhaps, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, etc.), we can see more clearly in them the image of the Divine. We see Goodness, Truth, Beauty, Wisdom, even Authority, all beautifully interwoven. This is what makes these people so captivating. They reflect the image of God, Who is All-Good, All-Knowing, and All-Powerful. They share God's wisdom, God's freedom, God's sovereignty, goodness and love.

The unique capacity to reflect God gives man an incredible dignity, a dignity that can never be erased, even by the shame or actual guilt of immorality. Even if wounded, darkened, or enslaved by sin, man’s soul remains in him an incredible gift bestowed by the Creator to reveal Himself, to draw man to Himself and to allow man to share in His own Divine life.

That’s. Pretty. Awesome.

When I see your heavens, the work of your fingers,the moon and stars that you set in place—

What is man that you are mindful of him,

and a son of man that you care for him?

Yet you have made him little less than a god,

crowned him with glory and honor.

You have given him rule over the works of your hands,

put all things at his feet:

All sheep and oxen,

even the beasts of the field,

The birds of the air, the fish of the sea,

and whatever swims the paths of the seas.

O LORD, our Lord,

how awesome is your name through all the earth!

-Psalm 8: 4-10-

Question: What About Evolution?

First of all, what do we mean when we speak of evolution?            
I think there are different interpretations and understandings.

1)     Microevolution: A species evolves within itself, generation by generation, through genetic mutations, etc.

2)     Common descent: All species descended from a single primitive organism

3)     Darwinian evolution: All species arise and develop through natural selection (“survival of the fittest”). Therefore, from one species, another distinct species can develop.

4)     Spontaneous generation: The descent of living matter from nonliving matter

Correct me if I’m missing or misinterpreting some of these. It seems there is some overlap.

In the last blog, we explored St. Thomas Aquinas’ proofs for the existence of God. For those who believe in God, theories of evolution only pose a problem insofar as they seek to disprove the need for a Creator. Christianity is not incompatible with these theories of evolution, if science provides adequate justification for their acceptance. Faith and reason are not at all opposed.

After all, Aquinas also said, "The potency of a cause is the greater, the more remote the effects to which it extends" (Summa c. Gent., III, c. lxxvi). Could God make use of evolution to accomplish His Will? Yes. Can evolutionary theories make room for God? That is the question.

Most of us would agree that organisms change over time, within their own species. We can name examples of #1: pests evolve to be resistant to pesticides; animals may gradually change color through generations to adapt to environmental factors, etc. No problem.

Most people don't even make a stink when there is mention of one plant or animal species evolving from another. But when it comes to the genesis of man, there is concern. And rightly so, for evolutionary theories are inadequate in accounting for the origin of the soul of man.

Does man have a soul?

Webster’s dictionary defines soul in the following way: “the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life.”  By that definition, man, and even animals and plants have a “soul” – some sort of life force.

Does man have a spiritual soul?

This may sound redundant, as “spirit” and “soul” are sometimes used interchangeably. But by “spiritual”, I am referring to the sacred, supernatural, religious or moral. Man is a spiritual being. In every civilization, man has had some sort of religious practice or belief. He builds churches and temples and synagogues, tries to interpret the placement of the stars, hails the glory of nature, consults seers and prophets and mediums and healers. And he is the only being I have ever encountered that holds dialogues and publishes papers and writes music, etc. about things like love, justice, truth, right and wrong. Goodness! Morality? Religion?! Where do these ideas come from? If man were a purely material being, would he not be limiting his discussions to things like food and housing and how to get to across town in the quickest amount of time? To be able to conceive an immaterial idea like right and wrong, one has to have the immaterial faculty capable of doing so. Something purely material cannot generate something purely spiritual. Therefore, man must have a spiritual faculty capable of forming spiritual ideas, and this faculty must come from a spiritual substance, which is his soul.

If man is the descendent of some other organism, can we also say that that organism also has a soul of the same kind as man?

If apes could speak, would they also converse about truth, goodness and beauty? Have you ever witnessed a dog building a shrine?

If man’s soul is distinct, when and how did he come to possess it?
Something wholly spiritual cannot evolve from something wholly material. Evolution may be responsible for the creation of complex organisms, but it cannot be responsible for the generation of spiritual ideas. It cannot be responsible for the creation of a human soul. For that, we need the direct action of a Creator, one who is of Spirit.

"If the human body takes its origin from pre-existent living matter, the spiritual soul is immediately created by God."
– Pope John Paul II, in his 1996 Address to the Pontifical Academy of Sciences

"Every spiritual soul is created immediately by God." – Catechism of the Catholic Church #366